Email your comments and idiot stories and I will post them. Make sure you include your permission to post and let me know if you want to stay anonymous, use your real name or a pen name. If you do not specify, I will us anonymous for your protection. Please steer clear of profanity since this is a family website.
A Big Thank You to all of you who have sent letters. It makes my day to hear from you and hope that you will continue to send your comments and idiot stories.
Kindest Regards,
Patricia
The Idiot's Wife
Letters From Our Readers
May 2, 2006
I don't know your husband. He may be as big an idiot as you say. One thing, however, that I am absolutely certain of is that my husband is a bigger idiot. I read some of your stories and the 'idiotic' rebuttals and I assure you that my husband's stupidity quotient is exponentially higher. He never looses his glasses, by the way. By your own account, your husband looses his glasses because he is thinking about something else. This necessitates thinking. My husband is never thinking that much. Also, you call your husband a gentle hearted idiot, which at least implies a sense of humor and an ability to see himself as an object of humor. Both of those qualities require some level of intelligence. My husband, on the other hand, is unfailingly arrogant. What, my dear, could possibly be stupider than a guy with the IQ of a box of HOHOs who holds an unshakable belief in his infallibility?
Repost? Sure, but wait. There's more. I could write a freaking book about the stupidity I witness on a daily basis. Unfortunately, I would be accused of fabricating my memoirs of the moronic. There is simply no way the average person could believe the level of pure and unadulterated idiocy my spouse is capable of. Oprah wouldn't even put me on. I'll give you an example. The other day we were driving on the freeway in the large city where we live. My husband was behind the wheel. Suddenly the car in front of us started to slow. Their brake lights came on. What did my husband do? Well, I guess we all know that the person who is in possession of even a couple of working brain cells also brakes so as not to rear end the car in front of him. My husband, however, simply made the comment,"wow, their tire is coming apart." He didn't bother to brake until we nearly did rear end the guy. Fortunately the motorist in front of us moved over just in time that we didn't end up hitting him. Seriously. He simply kept his foot on the gas and commented on the fact that the guy in front of him was having a blow out. I would love to be able to say that this kind of stupidity was an anomoly. I know I told you of the arrogance factor. If I even mentioned the fact that it might be a good idea to brake first and comment later he would go into full tantrum mode. Or maybe it would just be condescension. Ever been condescended to by a guy who couldn't best a cockroach in a classic finding-a-way -out-of a-wet-paper-bag challenge? I can't tell you how often he makes one of his to dumb to reply to statements then takes my baffled silence as an indication that he has just said something so profound that his point has eluded me. God, if only I could video some of his performances. Here's the great part, though. I know you'll love it. Guess what my moron does for a living. He's a professor. Now, before you get too alarmed let me reassure you that he is not teaching anything like medicine or engineering. He teaches art, so no actual intellects are harmed by his "teaching." Actually, the minority of intelligent art students that he comes in contact with can undoubtable figure out what he is and ignore the dumbness that issues forth from his blathering pie hole. Not only that but if they actually go on to have careers in art they are going to be dealing with idiots constantly so they may as well start practicing. For the majority of his students- well they couldn't actually get much dumber anyway without some major brain trauma. Critiques just don't get that rough and it's unlikely that anything he tells them is going to have much effect on their eventual ability to make lattes and cappuccinos when they graduate and get their Barrista certification. For parents of children who, in current edu-speak, are "specially gifted," my husband's example probably would be held up as a great hope for what their own offspring can achieve without the benefit of all of those big fancy IQ points, and that over rated knowledge.
Anonymous
06/02/05
When we were not more than a few years married and moved into our first home, I decided that there was a loose floorboard that needed to be nailed down; this happened on a Sunday morning (late), as Pam was just getting the lunch (luckily pork pie and salad). I went hastily upstairs thinking 'Great this will be a quick and easy job to get out the way before lunch, should only take 5 minutes' WRONG!! what I had forgotten about was the fact that there was a hot water pipe directly below the floorboard that I was about to nail down; I even mentioned it to Pam the day before that I must go careful because of this pipe below the floorboard. Anyway several firm taps later, I realized I had hit the pipe -- shock, horror, it was a Sunday and plumbers cost double time, even if you can get one!
Anyway, Pam heard my yells and ran upstairs to find out what had happened; she then went down and chopped up the pork pie in bite-size pieces and brought it upstairs, so that we could eat our lunch while she took over putting her finger on the pipe that I had pulled the nail out of and hot water was spurting everywhere; meanwhile I phoned the plumber, while Pam kept swapping fingers to stop getting too burnt; I finally found a plumber at an exorbitant rate, he hummed and harred and finally said "Ok, I'll come and help you out." End of saga.
I then changed my talents on to changing the taps in the house, and forgot that they are not all standard fittings -- there is apparently Metric and Imperial fittings which are very similar. Our taps were Imperial, and I fitted Metric which meant that when I tightened up the connections they never really tightened enough, but I thought that that was the way they were designed. however when I turned the water on, every tap in the house leaked. It was a bit like Niagra Falls and poor Pam looked like a drowned rat! this happened on a Sunday as well, but luckily we have an Uncle who was a plumber at the time and he only lived a few roads away. He dashed round with his trusty bag of tools only to find he couldn't get under the bath, so he had to cut a hole in the wall from the bedroom beside it. He then crawled through the hole and eventually the job was fixed. He laughed all the way home.
I've now given up on the DIY plumbing and turned my attentions back to my real trade which is Maths and Computing which has done very well ever since; 33 years later I now have a dry and happy wife!
Take Care
Mike & Pam horley
10/22/04
I've now decided to leave my dear idiot husband of almost 2 years. I don't think I can take living like this the rest of my life and you did say 'there's no training an idiot'. I've noticed that myself but I keep trying and hoping.
Dear hubby tried to bbq two weekends ago...we tried to eat his flambee'd burgers but they were blackened bricks. I've been trying to teach him how to start a charcoal fire for over a year now, right? This Saturday afternoon, he still doesn't get it and keeps pouring lighter fluid on the fire to keep the fire big and hot to cook the hamburgers. Big sigh. Driving with the blinkers on? Regularly. He has a hard time staying in his lane when he drives anyway so maybe it will give some poor soul advance warning. I could go on and on and on and on and on but I'm too tired and I don't have a sense of humor anymore. Just this morning, he lit the fireplace...it's 70-something degrees out at the time and our air conditioner is running (6:30 a.m. we're in Houston, TX). Well, not only does he have a fire blazing in the fireplace but he forgot to open the flue. No, I don't mean "the fire's lit, oops, forgot to open the flue, viola! flue opened" but I mean he lights the fire, leaves the room and fumes have filled the room some 20 minutes later when I get up and notice. He said he wasn't trying to kill us...sadly, I believe him. He does these idiotic things with dependable regularity and simply cannot learn from his mistakes or from instructions. I won't even get started on how expensive his idiocy has been, emotionally or financially.
I don't know how you've done it for 13 years, Patty. It's simply making me crazy. I'm a taurus and just can't live like this anymore. I'm on the verge of finding a nice quiet stable peaceful corner so I can sit there and babble with my fingers in my mouth and not wonder what's going to happen next. Any suggestions?
Rest, I just need rest.
One of the other idiots' wives,
Lisa
