"You idiot. You idiot. You idiot"! I dug thru the sock basket hunting for just one measly pair of matching socks without holes. I don't even to pretend to wonder why Mark and Riva have to wear my socks. Most the time I don't mind if Riva wears them, her feet are not that much bigger than mine, but Mark is a totally different story. His feet are humongous, almost twice the size of my feet, and he is squeezing his men's 11 ½ wide foot into my woman's size 7 socks. I don't understand how he could think that my socks would stretch that far. The man is an idiot! Something has to give and you know it's gonna be my socks. I could not find a single pair of my matching socks in the entire house that were not ripped in the ankles. How does a person rip a sock in that way? The worst thing about it is that woman's socks cost twice as much as men's socks. It is very expensive being married to an idiot.

You've gotta know that I have been bitching about this to Mark for years. Funny thing is it hasn't always been like this. Early on in our relationship I didn't mind if he wore my socks. You see when we first met his feet were much smaller. He was 35 years old and wore a size 9 medium then. I got pregnant with Riva and by the time she was born Mark had put on 20 pounds and his feet grew to a whopping 11 ½ wide. I shudder to think what would have happened to his feet if we had more children. Oh well. I guess you gotta love em anyway. But please just leave me my socks!

Dental floss. Most people keep their dental floss in the medicine cabinet right? A place where you return it to when you're done with it right? I have spent countless nights, after everyone had gone to bed, hunting for the dental floss. I know we have some because I had seen Mark use it earlier. Where would he have put it? Not in the medicine cabinet that's for sure. You see Mark has this inherited ability to never, and I mean never put anything away in the same place twice. It is quite interesting where I have found the dental floss over the years. I've found it in the silverware drawer, the freezer, the refrigerator, the piano, Riva's night table, our headboard, the television, in the car; the list goes on and on. I see him walk around the house nervously holding the dental floss in his hands and I always say, "Mark make sure you put that away when you're done with it". Being a Virgo, with my rising sign in Virgo, I need organization. In fact this kind of chaos can literally drive me insane. I guess I have to be more specific, "Mark please put the dental floss in the medicine cabinet when you are done. Where we can all find it". You think that'll work?

Lids. The man doesn't know his own strength or does he? I can always tell when Mark has dipped his fingers into the pickle jar or was the last to use the jug of water sitting on the counter because I have to grunt and scream and twist with all my might when trying to open anything after he has replaced the screw-top lid, and it seems that jars are harder to open the second time around after Mark gets his hands on them. How does he do this? It boggles my mind. It doesn't matter how much I complain about it, he does it over and over again. I imagine he is probable thinking secretly to him self, "That's what you get for writing all those idiot stories about me. It's payback time baby".

With that said I've come to the conclusion that you can't train an idiot. I've tried for many years and it always ends the same; no socks, no dental floss and no pickles for me. Idiots! You've just gotta love em!